StarCraft High
by EldritchStorm
Summary: Our favorite StarCraft characters in high school.


Fade into a classroom, of the High School variety. Fenix, Tassadar, Artanis, Zeratul, Razsagal, Raynor, Kerrigan, Duran, and Stukov are sitting at the desks. DuGalle is pacing around up front teaching.

DuGalle: And then me and my dearest Helena went to Discorama, and we...

Tassadar: Zzzzzz

DuGalle pulls out a pistol and shoots himself in the head. Tassadar wakes up, and laughs. Everyone else joins in, except Stukov, who leaps up and runs to the front of the class. 

Stukov: You killed the teacher, Comrade Tassadar! I will now go tell Principal Stalin!

Stukov rushes out the door. Everyone shuts up, then shrugs.

Kerrigan: Oh well, knowing him he'll end up getting raped by a pair of large gay men and put in a death camp.

Duran: Pity. I would have liked to take my fist and plunge it into that Rooskie's throat, and then…

Duran turns around and looks at Fenix and Artanis. They are wearing red Do-Rags and hitting off a bong. 

Duran: Listen to me when I speak, capitalist pigs!

Fenix: Yo G, whut be up wit dat? You made mah home dawg Artanis drop the Bong wit yo horse-ass voice, G. 

Raynor: Fenix, you're not black.

Fenix: Yo Jimmy B, shut up 'fore I can yo ass in a Dragoon.

Artanis: Yeah, homy. What be up with that shit! Ya'll made me drop the Bong!

Kerrigan: And I once thought he was cute…

Artanis: Yo, whut was dat? Wanna be bangin the boots, gimme mad props?

Kerrigan pulls out a canister rifle and presses it into Artanis' groin, and fires.

Artanis: AHHHH! BITCH! DAT WAS MAH PIECE, G!

Kerrigan: Not anymore. [giggle]

Tassadar: Say, uh..Sarah, wanna…get together, at..lunch?

Kerrigan turns and points the gun at Tassadar's crotch. The Protoss pales.

Kerrigan: why, sure Tassy. You're buying.

Tassadar relaxes visibly. 

Duran : Say, where did that pig Zeratul go ? And where is the Matriarch? 

As if on cue, a psychic moan emits from behind a desk in the back. Only the Protoss can hear it, and they burst out laughing. Raynor, Duran, and Kerrigan look around, edging away from them.

The Bell sounds, and everyone gets up and leaves, except for Zeratul and Raszagal. 

[Lunchroom. Everyone is clustered around various tables. Fenix and Artanis have several people clustered around them]

Fenix: And then, me and mah dawg went and busted a cap in dat gay teacher.

Artanis: Yeah, g. He dead now, we's shot him in dah head, G.

Somewhere in the distance there is a loud sound like metal screeching, followed by a psychic moan. The crowd looks around edgily, and Fenix and Artanis laugh. 

Fenix: Yo, G! Dat boi finally got hisself some Poony!

Duran walks up.

Fenix: Yo, G! Whut up!

Duran: I hate you two.

Artanis: Why dat, broddah?

Duran pulls out an aluminum bat.

Duran: You're not black.

Fenix: Yeah, suuuure…t'ever ya say, G

Duran swings the bat and smacks Fenix about the face. He goes down. Artanis scrambles up

Artanis: Yo G! Dat was mah homey!

Duran: …I hate you.

Duran bunts Artanis in the gut with the bat, then picks up a chair and smacks him over the head with it. 

Duran: Yeah! Yeah! Let's give it up for Stone Cold Samir Duran!

Everyone is silent.

Duran: Yeah…right…

Duran leaves hastily.

Raynor looks at Artanis and Fenix, spits on their heads, and laughs.

Raynor: Haha. 

Raynor picks up the bat Duran dropped, and is about to hit the two, when Josef Stalin and  Stukov enter. 

Stukov: Look, sir! He's been naughty too!

Stalin grabs Raynor by the collar, and drags him off.

Stukov: Now Raynor will know what a real man is.

Stukov slaps his own ass and laughs. 

Tassadar, sitting with Kerrigan, laughs.

Tassadar: He had it coming, stupid Terran.

Kerrigan: What?

Tassadar: Er..I said, his report card will be barren…

Kerrigan: Oh.

Tassadar eyes Kerrigan's lunch tray. It contains a human thymus, assorted flesh tissues, and a liter of human blood.

Tassadar: Interesting lunch tastes.

Kerrigan: It's testified. If only I had some chianti and fava beans. [slurp]

Tassadar: Right…

Kerrigan: so, Tassy…when do we get out of here? I have some nice whips at my house.

Tassadar tugs at his collar, sweating a bit.

Tassadar: Er…

Across the room, Artanis and Fenix have gotten up, and look around for Duran. Tassadar looks at them

Tassadar: He went there! Go get him! Now!

Kerrigan was eating, and only heard the 'now'. The smirks, and drags Tassadar off. Somewhere in the distance, a psychic moan is heard. 


End file.
